Battle star galactic and decisions ranting and raving.

Watching battle star galactic I have had a chance to throughout a couple of seasons and a bunch of episodes see how I experience myself and where I find judgment within the story and what is being done.

The major point for me that I saw was making decisions,

Each decisions that had to be made by bill would in fact influence the whole of humanity and the survival of all of humanity since they are the only people that escaped from caprice and now had the responsibility of surviving as a human race.

And all the people had to trust bill even though they do not know him personally or anything about him, they simply had to follow the orders that he gave and everyone had to apply the orders, there is not time to question each order because it could mean the death of all of the human race from caprice or the survival of them all.

Now what I have noticed with myself was how I would judge each decision that he made or that any other person with in the story had an influence on making or later on the decisions that the president came into also and made.

I found that I would judge the decisions and make better decisions that what they have made or so I make myself believe that my decisions are better lol, I would then tense up while watching how each decision would play out and the consequences of the play outs, now either way if it was a right or wrong decision there are consequences that played out and that all they really could do was deal with it through making more decisions with in a perspective of a solution, no one had the time or luxury of thinking negative or giving up or being all shitty because they could be the end of all human kind.

Now I saw that I had to let go of the judgments I made while watching the story and rather stand with in bill’s shoes or anyone that was making the hard ass decisions and see how they made it and why and see all the purposes and reasons and then I simply must not judge it as bad or good decisions but what works in the moment and that is needed to be done.

I saw that it worked like a casino,

When you go to a casino you take money with you and within the casino you have many choices of machines that you can play on, each choice of machine has a different way of presenting itself and how you can win, but they all work the same through putting in your money and pushing a button, so now it all depends on how much money you have because then you can play more choices of machines that can give you bigger prises if you win or you have to stick to the little machines where you might win little by little, but most of the time you win nothing, but you did gain a boost in hope, you had a boost of energy and that you could have won, but maybe next time, the few people that does win makes you want to win and have the energy they are gaining (money ) and thus you come back next time.

Now this is the other part, this part is the decision part, when you go into a casino to play the game to win or lose you constantly need to make a decision that how much are you willing to bet, because the more you bet the more you can win, but you can then also lose a shit load more, but if you win you are home free, or are you going to play for only a bit, and with a lot of hope, I mean in a casino if you lose money it is gone and you are fucked and if you win, well it goes the other way.

So now you have a crew (family) and you have to make the decisions, the hard ones and you have to really take the risk because it is all on you no matter which way it goes, if you make a decision to play all your money and you win (this is where bill had to go against everything the crew said or the president and make a military call that seemed so wrong), the Family will love you and cheer you and be there for you, but if you lose the family will hate you and resent you and be really pissed at you, but still it is one decision that goes both ways.

I see Battle star Galactica as a casino – with in every decision they make on the story they can either win or lose and they have to make many big bets and many small ones to get the big ones. And so i see that within each decision it will be best to be self honest and use common sense and apply 1 + 1 = 2. To not judge at all as what is right or wrong but what the fuck works, it is time to let go of the morality

The current system is a casino and we all are playing it daily, either you wake up luck or not, you can be killed by a bus passing the street or die of old age, who knows unless you become certainty and stop the casino game, battle star galactic shows how the casino game is played with in the politics and the military and the civilians and all the bullshit on a smaller scale. Instead of keeping it simple.

Simple would have been to make a decision to firstly unite all the people as one thing between all the ships, not having separate governments and shit, to care for each other and to in spite of everything be unconditional towards each other and fucking change, I mean they all live on ships in space with limited stuff and still they disregard each other and prefer to play games.

Stop hating the fucking cylons (machines and the system that is created in the humans own image and likeness as enslavement) and stand one and equal as them and change from there on, I mean even after the cylons try to live together the humans still rebel instead of learning the lessons.

Well I will end here; this was a cool rant and rave for me,

My Resistance to write/type is a lack of understanding.

I have come to see with myself that I have a resistance to typing and that I will easily give in to any other point of entertainment before typing, writing myself to freedom and to come to understand myself and this reality.

So i will now give to myself the understanding of why it is important to write and not create a resistance of any justification to why I cannot write or any reason of the mind, this is also a submission to the mind and the continuation of enslavement. Because I do not move myself to type or write means I am a slave to something ells that is moving and directing me.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist typing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see typing as taking my time where I could have done something ells such as watching a movie or looking at my internet channels,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get distracted from typing and writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not time my day in such a way that I give myself the time and complete focus to write and type without any distractions to create reasons and justifications to not type.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lazy and simply not type at all some times and say i will type tomorrow, and this never happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep on postponing myself with in typing and writing myself to freedom and to lay everything out for myself with in typing and writing so that I can have clear understandings on all the points I am facing and to move through all the points effectively and not mind fuck myself with in keeping the points with in my mind as a memorie that I will simply later on lose and cannot trust when I recall it as something that will come back as a fading memory and thus I go into assuming and guessing instead of direct here to the point with in clarification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself with in typing and writing for myself because I see that I have nothing new or more to say than what has already been said by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to type and write about things that I assume other will find interesting and as entertaining to read, instead of writing for myself as myself to understand myself within the context of all life and what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me as all equally and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back on typing and writing myself out on the fear that I will be seen as ridiculous and silly on what I might write bout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and judge the writings that I want to write about but never do as silly or ridiculous and that I might not get feedback on it or tell anybody anything new that can assist and support them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything that I write must only be interesting and entertain people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to type and write myself to freedom from the starting point of doing it only for other, I allow myself to do it for myself as all one and equal as life here BREATHE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to write and type from the starting point of wanting to support and assist others, i allow myself to write for myself to support and assist myself and all life one and equal as me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I type about a point that It will not come out right as what I mean to say or that I might not be specific enough to the point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged writing and typing as boring and only something for people that I have classified as nerds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have separated myself from other people that I have classified as nerds and thus I have limited myself to freely type as they do through the fear of being seen as a nerd.

I will definitely type more..

I see within myself that I actually have a shit load to type about especially SF and being extremely specific with in every point that comes up while doing it.

I bottle up to much which leads to many other side effect that is consequences and is to late as a play out.

Breathe.

Family, money, Desteni and myself

Is it worth losing giving up my family to stand up for equality and all life and to stop all the abuse in this world – YES

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can lose my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself o fear the idea of having no family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having my family as a financial save zone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have only loved my family for their support with money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that I have loved them once. But as the truth is I loved the money they provided for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my family and that they are stuck with each other only because of money –
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I am stuck with family as a backup plan for a financial stability point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish i did not have to rely on family for a financial stability point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within the fear of not having money instead of moving myself to become financially stable as myself within the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move off the point of Family onto the point of money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to believe that Family is anything more than money lol
to be continued....

Photo respons on facebook SF

Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 4:51pm
Photo on face book

So I posted a photo on face book and it seems to have made a stir on my face book page, people commented, and I like the photo, it is pretty cool, then after a while I go on face book I see my brother and my mother made comments on the photo, and this created reactions within me still indicating separation and fear towards my mother and what she has to say about me and, also I felt like fuck I did something wrong, I got my mother’s attention, so this indicated I am hiding from her and do not want to stir things to get her reaction and opinion about what I am doing, also I saw that I was glad that it was a good respond I got from my mother and not a bad one. And this is all just showing me that I still hold something against my mother, I feel it is hate and a dislike, and also that she stands as a thread for me, indicating she still has power over me.

Time to forgive Gain.
Enough is enough.
This is a subject that holds me back making me feel like I do not know how to push through this without using the mind and suppressing the point, I also see a desire within me to get rid of my mother. So that I can feel more free, on a subconscious level.
The question still runs in my mind what is the point that makes me still react to my mother in fear and anxiousness, like she can anytime make me stop what I am doing.
I see it’s simple

Morality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress the subject and seeing it as not that important to do right now,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind and the systems.
I stop
Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother, accepting and allowing my mother to have control over me, as the mother matrix system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself power away to reactions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother out of the fear that she can still control me or make me crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother’s words that she speaks and writes, seeing it as a mother’s point of view and that it is always what is best for you and the right thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see my mother as the one that knows what is right for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows what is best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that truly cares for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows the truth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel that I own my mother my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as my mother’s little boy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel like I am my mother’s son that needs her in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my mother as me being her son
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother’s judgement as valid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a kid in my mother’s eyes that knows nothing of this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother’s judgement validating what she says to exist within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still live according to the idea my mother had about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in such a way that I will not disappoint my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can fail my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to prove myself to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to prove myself to my mother to not to have to face her again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to become someone create to prove my mother wrong with in me participating in process
I do process for me as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back within myself because of my mother’s fear imprinted into me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother for giving me her fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for her fears and seeing it as stupid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother creating polarity between us and within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the past and the experiences I had with my mother, the good and the bad ones
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all the good experiences I had with my mother as nice times and that it is cool to hold on to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show morality towards my mother, from the starting point of she is my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing who I might be without my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my mother from all other beings making her special with in my mind and thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike my mother for not participating in process with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mother not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother that she is aware of process and that she is deliberately not participating
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mean towards my mother just because she is my mother and not some other being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for all the things I have said towards my mother not taking full responsibility for what I have said
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded my mother as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret never having a fun time with my parents while being in process, always trying to show a different image and fighting, justifying it as standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate my mother to not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have stimulated my mother in a way that she will be spiteful towards me and never stand up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a believe of this and made an emotion about it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create feelings towards what I am saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of myself from my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother in fear of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the eyes of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to myself

I allow myself to stop
I allow myself to breath
I am here
I appreciate myself

I stand

Animal Abuse

Animal abuse

Today I had a cool experience with my horse Titan. (+- a year ago)

At horses which is at about 6 o’clock, I went into Titans stable and I started preparing his stable. I got his bedding in and his hay to eat, then after a while I heard foods ready and all the horses got excited, I went to fetch the food and took it to Titan. As Titan was eating I grabbed a brush and started brushing him, he swung out his right foot, (which I find amazing that he is able to do that) and he almost kicked me, I reacted with in that moment and got tired of this, he does this quite a lot, and with in me reacting I lost me here and I hit Titan with the brush and kicked his foot out of spitefulness, going through me how does that feel huh? This did not move him at ALL he just stood there and tried to kick me again.

I breathed and just continued brushing him, I was angry and experienced myself as being incapable to control my horse and that I am in danger now all the time, I brushed him with in fear, and I saw the point of why I am in fear now, because instead of breathing and seeing the point my horse is revealing to me with in that moment which was that I brushed him to get done with it not to actually be with him unconditionally.

And he stood by his point, not giving into me reacting towards him, I found that my horse as that moment was more directive and unconditional that what I will ever be this I experienced with in me.

After wards as I sat on the chair outside his stable and looked at him, he stared at me, and I went into questioning him, I stopped and I said okay Titan I forgive you. He had no after math of whoa I did something wrong like I did.

I sat there and all the sudden this point reveals to me in a single breath. A past question that I always asked myself came up, the question was- How can people abuse horses like they do, and how did people get to abuse my horse like this, if they did not abuse my horse he would not have been this way towards me. And then the present moment of what just happened came to me aligning with the past questions, where I now see how people got to the point of abusing horse (animals), fear and reactions, through this loosing self entirely and awareness, but still aware actually.
And then they act upon their specific believe of themselves and who they believe themselves to be, meaning if the horse dares to kick you, you will react because your ego has just been challenged by an animal which people see as less then themselves, this is the fear also, actually realizing that the state you as the human being exist as in this current moment is less than an animal and this can not be shown to anyone not even self, therefore you will attack the animal out of reaction and fear.

No matter the cost of what you do to the animal, the actions will be taken from the starting point of spitefulness or stimulation- the stimulation will be gaining that back which you feel you have just lost (Ego) so through stimulating the horse through abusing the horse as torturing, which will stimulate you as the human because you feel you are gaining revenge and power back.

This Stop here