Agreement and secret Competition

I have being within an agreement for about 2 years and 9 months plus minus, and throughout that time I have faced myself extensively with in all corners of myself lol, and still after all that time I have these little points of competition that I participate with in towards my Partner, I keep it secret and I keep it safe and I make sure my partner doesn’t know about it because then I will have to face how silly it is and completely useless with no point of relevance really.....

The point that I am competing with in is seeing how many people I can get to follow me on the ‘NetworkedBlogs’ on Facebook and that who gets the most followers and whose writings (blogs) gets the most views. (to achieve what? Is my question what do I secretly want to achieve?)It’s all dishonest and deceptive bullshit.

So every day I go on Facebook and I check my NetworkedBlogs site out and I see how many followers I have and then I will check everyone’s status on how many followers everyone has, but here is the silly point, I am okay with it if anyone else has more followers than me except if it is my partner’s then I react and want to see how far ahead she actually is and in what possible ways I can try and get ahead of her, this keeps me occupied for at least 45min (including rating everyone’s blogs and stuff)

But I see how I actually feel bad once I have surpassed her with in having the most followers and that I now feel like I have left her behind somewhere and all bunch of crap, like I did something to her that she is Yet not aware of, (polarities playing out)

Competition has played a big role with in my life as a way of how our South African culture enjoys themselves through many sports, as I did almost all the types of sport there was in school and how that in itself already gave your life meaning a whole new level of value with in other people’s eyes, as sport was the one thing here that if you could do sport you were really awesome and you were like a mini god. I was always the mini god in doing the most activities rather than being good at only one and being the best at that one.

So with in my agreement I see that I also with in all points just like in school with sport try and win and compete, even though I may not be the best but still I like to have it all behind me as to be able to say, look what I did and how much I did, but never at look what I have achieved. (a pattern)

Competitions is a very slight thing that takes place in the secret mind all the time, you will smile and pretend to be someone you are not in front of people and when it comes down to it you will pull out the big guns that you were building in the basement(mind) to blow their heads of just to have a chance at winning, because if you win it is like being on drugs, everyone loves you and you are suddenly valid and valuable and worth something and you feel like you can move mountains (EGO) and of course you can make your creators proud (mommy and daddy).

I will apply all the SF on this point later when I have the appropriate time and all.

Family, money, Desteni and myself

Is it worth losing giving up my family to stand up for equality and all life and to stop all the abuse in this world – YES

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can lose my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself o fear the idea of having no family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having my family as a financial save zone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have only loved my family for their support with money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that I have loved them once. But as the truth is I loved the money they provided for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my family and that they are stuck with each other only because of money –
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because I am stuck with family as a backup plan for a financial stability point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish i did not have to rely on family for a financial stability point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within the fear of not having money instead of moving myself to become financially stable as myself within the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move off the point of Family onto the point of money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to believe that Family is anything more than money lol
to be continued....

Mr nice and bad guy masks, SF

Mr nice and bad guy masks SF

Being the nice guy is being the bad guy.

I experience with myself that when I am being nice or polite to people I am accepting and allowing them to abuse me and to deceive me with in my own politeness and niceness, because once I have gone nice towards a person with in a conversation I cannot suddenly turn bad as being harsh and mean because I have already given them the permission to speak out their own opinion as if it is right and justifiable through being polite about the point in the beginning, thus i am literally fucking the point up from standing up and saying what makes common sense and to stop the abuse and self deception.

I have experienced this point a couple of times when talking-to people over facebook about religion and believes, I would start off with making a comment on the facebook page and someone would say that who am I to judge their religion or believe and then I would react with in seeing such comment and finding it as an attack and thus I go into being polite to not have to face the point of conflict.

So then I would say I am not judging i am simply revealing the deception and showing all common sense, and then the other person sees that I am being polite they use this as a way to see if they can convert me or get me to understand their ways and their opinions and then after they have replied back I cannot stand and say stop because this will cost the chance that that being has of seeing the Desteni message because of my irresponsible actions that I have taken within the moment of ego and energy.

So I see when I speak with people about something I have to simply breath and not go into nice or man or attacking of fleeing, I have to stand with in absolute with in what I am saying and as principal, I cannot use nice as a way to manipulate the situation because I have and will always be last and be taken advantage of, and I can also not YET become the bad, mean guy because I do this from a starting point of reaction and become possessed with the energies and this is where I lose control and might black out which I find happens.

Breath is at most important and to stay as breath and standing as the principal with in breath and only speaking the principal and living the principal is required and quite dame effective, wonderful I may add lol, I have done this within breath with in tight situations in town a few times and I have to say it is really effective. Oneness and equality and what is best for all, self honesty and common sense.

SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the nice guy to be liked and to be able to have people manipulated to my will and what I want and need to get done, thus with in this possessed state I am also allowing the polarity to brew and grow within me as frustration and irritation and self hatred and anger because i believe to perceive that what I am getting for what I am giving is unfair, being nice but everyone is mean and dis respectful back to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear simply to be here and act and direct with in self honesty with in common sense and that which is best for all, not trusting myself as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put on the mask of mister nice guy because of the lack of self trust and relying on hope that the mister nice guy mask will get things done for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that the mister nice guy mask will get things done for me all the time and thus relying on hope instead of simply trusting myself and standing as me here within and as the principal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the mind construct of hope and thus have created a mask that I can wear called mister nice guy that always hope his niceness will get things done for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my trust with in a programmed fake face that I have programmed myself through past experienced where the fake face worked and thus not place my trust with in the hope of that the fake face will work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on memory and what I have experienced within the past as working for me as to using a fake face called mister nice guy face to manipulate the outcome of situations and hope for the best which is totally self deception because hope is a delusion and a self created comfort for the mind to hide behind instead of taking action and making something happen and work through self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself and my self value and self trust as the mister nice guy mask that was designed and created from the starting point of lack of self trust and self value as life here one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to use the self created mask called mister nice guy to abuse and to manipulate and to hide behind to not have to take self responsibility for this reality and what I have accepted and allowed to exist within this reality through money to have placed me within situations where I have to use such a mask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself o fear letting go of the mister nice guy bullshitter face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am without the mister nice guy and mister bad guy faces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking through the fears and insecurities that I have hidden and suppressed behind the mister nice guy mask and which i abuse through the mister bad ass mask.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear thorouging the mister nice guy mask away and allow myself to let others see who I really am without participating with in polarities as energy but as principal here one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown once I have allowed myself to within moments when the point is here and representing itself to let go of the energy that frightens me and then I place my mister nice guy mask on to hide instead of facing self and taking self responsibility to breath through he point and stand with in and as the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing who I am without my personality that protects me as the mister nice guy and mister mean bad guy masks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that It will take effort to get through these points instead of simply breathing here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the response of others and their reactions and what their reactions might be towards me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have already created an idea with in my mind of how and who I will be without my mister nice guy and bad guy masks and thus I have already created another personality already to be a back up to hide my fears and insecurities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create back up for in case I cannot stand, with in the in case I have already fallen within me and thus I am not breathing effectively and fearing the future moment and scenarios that might occur.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with in the mind as if it is valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with in future projection as ideas and self opinionated believe system that is designed and created according to my specific insecurities and fear to make it all sound valid and as if I will not make it and not stand,

I stop this

I allow myself to breath I am here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the fear of the future as a picture with in my mind according o what I want to fear to be able to validate my fear and thus participate with in the physical applications to avoid the fear and thus create it with in my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder off from the point I am working on instead of staying focussed here to the point.

I allow myself to correct myself here one and equal

I breathe in, ....................................out