My Resistance to write/type is a lack of understanding.

I have come to see with myself that I have a resistance to typing and that I will easily give in to any other point of entertainment before typing, writing myself to freedom and to come to understand myself and this reality.

So i will now give to myself the understanding of why it is important to write and not create a resistance of any justification to why I cannot write or any reason of the mind, this is also a submission to the mind and the continuation of enslavement. Because I do not move myself to type or write means I am a slave to something ells that is moving and directing me.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist typing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see typing as taking my time where I could have done something ells such as watching a movie or looking at my internet channels,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get distracted from typing and writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not time my day in such a way that I give myself the time and complete focus to write and type without any distractions to create reasons and justifications to not type.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lazy and simply not type at all some times and say i will type tomorrow, and this never happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep on postponing myself with in typing and writing myself to freedom and to lay everything out for myself with in typing and writing so that I can have clear understandings on all the points I am facing and to move through all the points effectively and not mind fuck myself with in keeping the points with in my mind as a memorie that I will simply later on lose and cannot trust when I recall it as something that will come back as a fading memory and thus I go into assuming and guessing instead of direct here to the point with in clarification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself with in typing and writing for myself because I see that I have nothing new or more to say than what has already been said by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to type and write about things that I assume other will find interesting and as entertaining to read, instead of writing for myself as myself to understand myself within the context of all life and what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me as all equally and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back on typing and writing myself out on the fear that I will be seen as ridiculous and silly on what I might write bout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and judge the writings that I want to write about but never do as silly or ridiculous and that I might not get feedback on it or tell anybody anything new that can assist and support them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything that I write must only be interesting and entertain people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to type and write myself to freedom from the starting point of doing it only for other, I allow myself to do it for myself as all one and equal as life here BREATHE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to write and type from the starting point of wanting to support and assist others, i allow myself to write for myself to support and assist myself and all life one and equal as me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I type about a point that It will not come out right as what I mean to say or that I might not be specific enough to the point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged writing and typing as boring and only something for people that I have classified as nerds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have separated myself from other people that I have classified as nerds and thus I have limited myself to freely type as they do through the fear of being seen as a nerd.

I will definitely type more..

I see within myself that I actually have a shit load to type about especially SF and being extremely specific with in every point that comes up while doing it.

I bottle up to much which leads to many other side effect that is consequences and is to late as a play out.

Breathe.

The physical suffers if you do not breathe

The physical suffers if you do not breathe

I went to the pumps at 9:34 in the morning to pump water which is all the way down by the river on the farm and my room is all the way up at the top of the farm lol, so it is about 200m to there and then back, I have to go to the pumps to switch it on and to open the one tanks valve at the bottom to fill up the dam for the animals and all the life there.

Now after doing this walking already for a whole week it is tiring and a lot of walking if one is not breathing effectively, so today at 12:20 when I went down to the pumps for the third time to close the valve for the one tank that is running into the dam I felt my body was exhausted and that I had a head ache and I was really heavy with in my whole physical expression and movement, this was really irritating especially in the heat.

After arriving at the pump and closing it I started walking back up (which is up hill) and I just could not I was out of breath and I was tired and I wanted to stop in the shade and just get myself a breath.

What caused this??

Answer: I was with in the mind walking towards a destination and I wanted to reach the destination immediately (this point causes stress fear and anxiety) because I did not like the current point I was at within the physical, thus with in my walk as the physical I was walking at a phase and with my head leaning forward (not in line with my body) and from my head leaning forward it caused tension on my neck which caused all the head ache and pain in my lower back which made me feel irritated heavy and like giving up with myself and as if I just wanted to stop. The whole experience took place because of one point as a thought and because I was not breathing here effectively. (the thought that started the whole experience was about me sitting in my room doing internet stuff)

What have I learned, well first of all I corrected myself within the moment and I aligned my head straight with my body as one here stable breathing, and I saw that I could not rush with in such a position but that I simply was here breathing and that I was aware of my environment and that I wasn’t hot and heavy at all, the head ache was gone and so was the back pain. WOW. So everything I was experiencing was a lie?? To myself from myself? Hahaha it is quite revealing if I look at it.

Now the other question is within how many other things in my life do I do this and am not aware of it and within this un awareness fucking up my physical body and the experience of myself here as one and equal within and as breath. God i am fucking up the world in such an experience of myself,

So once again breathing proves to be most effective.

The physical suffers if you do not breathe

The physical suffers if you do not breathe

I went to the pumps at 9:34 in the morning to pump water which is all the way down by the river on the farm and my room is all the way up at the top of the farm lol, so it is about 200m to there and then back, I have to go to the pumps to switch it on and to open the one tanks valve at the bottom to fill up the dam for the animals and all the life there.

Now after doing this walking already for a whole week it is tiring and a lot of walking if one is not breathing effectively, so today at 12:20 when I went down to the pumps for the third time to close the valve for the one tank that is running into the dam I felt my body was exhausted and that I had a head ache and I was really heavy with in my whole physical expression and movement, this was really irritating especially in the heat.

After arriving at the pump and closing it I started walking back up (which is up hill) and I just could not I was out of breath and I was tired and I wanted to stop in the shade and just get myself a breath.

What caused this??

Answer: I was with in the mind walking towards a destination and I wanted to reach the destination immediately (this point causes stress fear and anxiety) because I did not like the current point I was at within the physical, thus with in my walk as the physical I was walking at a phase and with my head leaning forward (not in line with my body) and from my head leaning forward it caused tension on my neck which caused all the head ache and pain in my lower back which made me feel irritated heavy and like giving up with myself and as if I just wanted to stop. The whole experience took place because of one point as a thought and because I was not breathing here effectively. (the thought that started the whole experience was about me sitting in my room doing internet stuff)

What have I learned, well first of all I corrected myself within the moment and I aligned my head straight with my body as one here stable breathing, and I saw that I could not rush with in such a position but that I simply was here breathing and that I was aware of my environment and that I wasn’t hot and heavy at all, the head ache was gone and so was the back pain. WOW. So everything I was experiencing was a lie?? To myself from myself? Hahaha it is quite revealing if I look at it.

Now the other question is within how many other things in my life do I do this and am not aware of it and within this un awareness fucking up my physical body and the experience of myself here as one and equal within and as breath. God i am fucking up the world in such an experience of myself,

So once again breathing proves to be most effective.

Instant decision

Instant decision

Thursday night was my dishes night. I was doing dishes with a companion
As my companion asks me so what do you want to do? I replied well what do you feel like doing, and she replies back, I asked first? I stood there with a decision to make I said well I will wash if you do not feel like it?!?!?! Waa what the hell I couldn’t decide.

This was a simple question, and a simple decision I had to make. Not even a big one, I realized with in this, how am I able to decide what to do in the main stuff in this world if I cannot even make a simple decision about washing or drying dishes.

My companion turned and looked at me and said, Gian I have seen now a couple of times you make a decision based on a believe of what you think the other person doesn’t feel like doing. I saw this point clearly.

She told me then, look inside of yourself, and see what you prefer to do, not what you feel like doing, and then decide. She explained to me stand here in breath and see yourself doing dishes, and then see yourself drying the dishes.

I did this, it took me one breath and I told her, okay I want to do drying the dishes, and she said okay.
This felt wrong to me.

I told her that doing this feels wrong to me making a decision for myself.
I then told her that I saw this point and its really cool, I have never considered this and believed it to be wrong, I always make decisions for other people and what they would like doing, I would always take the crappy things to do, not what I prefer to do. I told her I always kind of saw myself as sacrificing myself for others, believing I am doing the right thing.

This was really a cool point in such a simple thing; I see this has to change.

SO Saturday came and we all on the farm went to the mall for shopping day, we have a shopping day each month on pay day, a few of us wanted to go to a different mall, where a specific movie was showing, and other went to the regular mall,

As we ( the few that wanted to go to a different mall) got dropped off at the mall we were all kind of ‘excited’ for the movie, we all went inside and talked about what we are going to do, first we wanted to check the time of the movie when it starts, and then we wanted to go and eat and drink some coffee.
So we went to the movies as we looked at the movies we saw it was closed up permanently, we all went what the fuck, OH NO! I stood there , breathed and looked inside myself I kind of felt like time travelling, into time, and I saw what was going to be the day at the mall, we were all going to be very grumpy and board just walking around for hours as we wait for time to go by till we got picked up. I stopped, I directed the situation very quickly, I told the person closest to me call the driver, let’s go to the other mall, as she calls the driver. The driver says okay I will come back and pick you up, the driver wasn’t very far away, and we waited like 1min outside till she showed up.

I appreciated myself allot for this. In that moment when I looked at the whole day in one breath and all the consequences and effects that could take place. I could have been quiet and let someone ells decide what to do, because of the thing I have about sacrificing myself for others through letting them make the decisions, and not considering myself, as to what I would prefer for myself to experience.

I am now going to do this every time in all the small things I do. When it is necessary, till I can trust myself with this.
I also saw the point that it is in the small things that the big things will be decided. Through your own physical participation.