Agreement and secret Competition

I have being within an agreement for about 2 years and 9 months plus minus, and throughout that time I have faced myself extensively with in all corners of myself lol, and still after all that time I have these little points of competition that I participate with in towards my Partner, I keep it secret and I keep it safe and I make sure my partner doesn’t know about it because then I will have to face how silly it is and completely useless with no point of relevance really.....

The point that I am competing with in is seeing how many people I can get to follow me on the ‘NetworkedBlogs’ on Facebook and that who gets the most followers and whose writings (blogs) gets the most views. (to achieve what? Is my question what do I secretly want to achieve?)It’s all dishonest and deceptive bullshit.

So every day I go on Facebook and I check my NetworkedBlogs site out and I see how many followers I have and then I will check everyone’s status on how many followers everyone has, but here is the silly point, I am okay with it if anyone else has more followers than me except if it is my partner’s then I react and want to see how far ahead she actually is and in what possible ways I can try and get ahead of her, this keeps me occupied for at least 45min (including rating everyone’s blogs and stuff)

But I see how I actually feel bad once I have surpassed her with in having the most followers and that I now feel like I have left her behind somewhere and all bunch of crap, like I did something to her that she is Yet not aware of, (polarities playing out)

Competition has played a big role with in my life as a way of how our South African culture enjoys themselves through many sports, as I did almost all the types of sport there was in school and how that in itself already gave your life meaning a whole new level of value with in other people’s eyes, as sport was the one thing here that if you could do sport you were really awesome and you were like a mini god. I was always the mini god in doing the most activities rather than being good at only one and being the best at that one.

So with in my agreement I see that I also with in all points just like in school with sport try and win and compete, even though I may not be the best but still I like to have it all behind me as to be able to say, look what I did and how much I did, but never at look what I have achieved. (a pattern)

Competitions is a very slight thing that takes place in the secret mind all the time, you will smile and pretend to be someone you are not in front of people and when it comes down to it you will pull out the big guns that you were building in the basement(mind) to blow their heads of just to have a chance at winning, because if you win it is like being on drugs, everyone loves you and you are suddenly valid and valuable and worth something and you feel like you can move mountains (EGO) and of course you can make your creators proud (mommy and daddy).

I will apply all the SF on this point later when I have the appropriate time and all.

Photo respons on facebook SF

Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 4:51pm
Photo on face book

So I posted a photo on face book and it seems to have made a stir on my face book page, people commented, and I like the photo, it is pretty cool, then after a while I go on face book I see my brother and my mother made comments on the photo, and this created reactions within me still indicating separation and fear towards my mother and what she has to say about me and, also I felt like fuck I did something wrong, I got my mother’s attention, so this indicated I am hiding from her and do not want to stir things to get her reaction and opinion about what I am doing, also I saw that I was glad that it was a good respond I got from my mother and not a bad one. And this is all just showing me that I still hold something against my mother, I feel it is hate and a dislike, and also that she stands as a thread for me, indicating she still has power over me.

Time to forgive Gain.
Enough is enough.
This is a subject that holds me back making me feel like I do not know how to push through this without using the mind and suppressing the point, I also see a desire within me to get rid of my mother. So that I can feel more free, on a subconscious level.
The question still runs in my mind what is the point that makes me still react to my mother in fear and anxiousness, like she can anytime make me stop what I am doing.
I see it’s simple

Morality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress the subject and seeing it as not that important to do right now,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind and the systems.
I stop
Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother, accepting and allowing my mother to have control over me, as the mother matrix system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself power away to reactions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother out of the fear that she can still control me or make me crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother’s words that she speaks and writes, seeing it as a mother’s point of view and that it is always what is best for you and the right thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see my mother as the one that knows what is right for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows what is best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that truly cares for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows the truth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel that I own my mother my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as my mother’s little boy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel like I am my mother’s son that needs her in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my mother as me being her son
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother’s judgement as valid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a kid in my mother’s eyes that knows nothing of this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother’s judgement validating what she says to exist within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still live according to the idea my mother had about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in such a way that I will not disappoint my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can fail my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to prove myself to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to prove myself to my mother to not to have to face her again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to become someone create to prove my mother wrong with in me participating in process
I do process for me as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back within myself because of my mother’s fear imprinted into me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother for giving me her fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for her fears and seeing it as stupid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother creating polarity between us and within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the past and the experiences I had with my mother, the good and the bad ones
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all the good experiences I had with my mother as nice times and that it is cool to hold on to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show morality towards my mother, from the starting point of she is my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing who I might be without my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my mother from all other beings making her special with in my mind and thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike my mother for not participating in process with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mother not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother that she is aware of process and that she is deliberately not participating
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mean towards my mother just because she is my mother and not some other being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for all the things I have said towards my mother not taking full responsibility for what I have said
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded my mother as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret never having a fun time with my parents while being in process, always trying to show a different image and fighting, justifying it as standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate my mother to not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have stimulated my mother in a way that she will be spiteful towards me and never stand up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a believe of this and made an emotion about it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create feelings towards what I am saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of myself from my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother in fear of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the eyes of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to myself

I allow myself to stop
I allow myself to breath
I am here
I appreciate myself

I stand

Arguments with or around people

Arguments with people and being in the same area of people having arguments.

I see that I lock myself out of the conversation because I fear I might look stupid
I also lock myself out of the argument because i fear speaking up
I lock myself out of the conversation because I feel that I might hurt someone or go totally against their opinion
I also Lock myself out of the argument because I feel I cannot rust myself to be self honest with in what I am going to say
I also lock myself out of the argument when I see it is going nowhere and I feel I have the answer for them but I am not willing to share my side with them because they all have now locked themselves totally within their opinions about the subject through logic and reason
I also do not feel like arguing with the beings because I do not feel like walking about where I have just made myself feel less and dishonest
I also did not participate with in the argument because of how I know myself to access energies and run wild with what I am saying going into being possessed that other beings will accept what I say as the right thing, and I will defend my opinion and disapprove of theirs. EGO

All this requires is Breath that will cost you nothing lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lock myself out of conversations because I feel les than the conversation that is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than the conversation that is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conversations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself with in conversations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating arguments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear looking stupid with ina conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stupidity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear joining a argument because I believe I am not equipped for
the argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be equipped for an argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about breath with in an argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compaire myself with the argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing with in an argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win an argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a game with in arguing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play games of arguments with in my own delusions of the mind
as real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the mind as knowledge and information within
an argument and not keeping it simple common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with the beings and what they are saying within the argument, measuring if I am able to join or say out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access fight or flight with in arguments after comparing myself
with other beings and the argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to other being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dishonest with in standing up against another beings
opinion challenging them,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clear my starting point with in joining an argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire looking smart and intelligent with in an argument, hiding
my actual fear as who I really am with in the argument

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of arguments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to decide my words carefully with in an argument, not
speaking unconditionally with in breath as life one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breath

Eduction and vocabulary

I have been studying for my electrician N3, I am doing maths high grade, I realized that it is not the maths that is the difficult part but it is all to do with the vocabulary, I now first have to learn the new vocabulary to be able to read the math and then to apply the math.

vocabulary is important for all being to be able to live a effective life, and only a few beings(those with money) has the opportunity to educate themselves effectively to built a effective vocabulary that can and will support the being in all aspects of life, because we are the living words. I only now realize how important vocabulary is and that I can actually not read because of the vocabulary I have, not because I cant read, you need to have vocabulary before you can read.

I stand for an equal money system, where EDUCATION is equally available to all and that all beings can have a fair chance to educate themselves and to build a vocabulary for themselves to be able to have understanding and not walk life blindly as the faulty words we are all limited to. to be able to read effectively and to have effective understanding through what is red so thatthere is no miss understanding and clear communication and that the being can have the tools to choose what they want to become this life as support for all life and have a effective influence on life in the best interest of all life as the living words that we all exist as.

vocabulary is really important - one word has a thousand words describing that word, and those thousands of words each has their own words describing them, so imagine we live in a world where barely a few percentage is educated efectively, and then billions that is not educated. and those that is not educated is also living in poverty or in war, or in some shit place, and then the worst part of it all is, the people with money that has the power and capability to stand together and help the world to help them, does nothing but ignore them.

where is the dignity.

Equal money for all, equal labor for all, equal education for all, equal life for all. we are all in fact equal, why is this not lived but feared,?