I have being within an agreement for about 2 years and 9 months plus minus, and throughout that time I have faced myself extensively with in all corners of myself lol, and still after all that time I have these little points of competition that I participate with in towards my Partner, I keep it secret and I keep it safe and I make sure my partner doesn’t know about it because then I will have to face how silly it is and completely useless with no point of relevance really.....
The point that I am competing with in is seeing how many people I can get to follow me on the ‘NetworkedBlogs’ on Facebook and that who gets the most followers and whose writings (blogs) gets the most views. (to achieve what? Is my question what do I secretly want to achieve?)It’s all dishonest and deceptive bullshit.
So every day I go on Facebook and I check my NetworkedBlogs site out and I see how many followers I have and then I will check everyone’s status on how many followers everyone has, but here is the silly point, I am okay with it if anyone else has more followers than me except if it is my partner’s then I react and want to see how far ahead she actually is and in what possible ways I can try and get ahead of her, this keeps me occupied for at least 45min (including rating everyone’s blogs and stuff)
But I see how I actually feel bad once I have surpassed her with in having the most followers and that I now feel like I have left her behind somewhere and all bunch of crap, like I did something to her that she is Yet not aware of, (polarities playing out)
Competition has played a big role with in my life as a way of how our South African culture enjoys themselves through many sports, as I did almost all the types of sport there was in school and how that in itself already gave your life meaning a whole new level of value with in other people’s eyes, as sport was the one thing here that if you could do sport you were really awesome and you were like a mini god. I was always the mini god in doing the most activities rather than being good at only one and being the best at that one.
So with in my agreement I see that I also with in all points just like in school with sport try and win and compete, even though I may not be the best but still I like to have it all behind me as to be able to say, look what I did and how much I did, but never at look what I have achieved. (a pattern)
Competitions is a very slight thing that takes place in the secret mind all the time, you will smile and pretend to be someone you are not in front of people and when it comes down to it you will pull out the big guns that you were building in the basement(mind) to blow their heads of just to have a chance at winning, because if you win it is like being on drugs, everyone loves you and you are suddenly valid and valuable and worth something and you feel like you can move mountains (EGO) and of course you can make your creators proud (mommy and daddy).
I will apply all the SF on this point later when I have the appropriate time and all.
