Instant decision

Instant decision

Thursday night was my dishes night. I was doing dishes with a companion
As my companion asks me so what do you want to do? I replied well what do you feel like doing, and she replies back, I asked first? I stood there with a decision to make I said well I will wash if you do not feel like it?!?!?! Waa what the hell I couldn’t decide.

This was a simple question, and a simple decision I had to make. Not even a big one, I realized with in this, how am I able to decide what to do in the main stuff in this world if I cannot even make a simple decision about washing or drying dishes.

My companion turned and looked at me and said, Gian I have seen now a couple of times you make a decision based on a believe of what you think the other person doesn’t feel like doing. I saw this point clearly.

She told me then, look inside of yourself, and see what you prefer to do, not what you feel like doing, and then decide. She explained to me stand here in breath and see yourself doing dishes, and then see yourself drying the dishes.

I did this, it took me one breath and I told her, okay I want to do drying the dishes, and she said okay.
This felt wrong to me.

I told her that doing this feels wrong to me making a decision for myself.
I then told her that I saw this point and its really cool, I have never considered this and believed it to be wrong, I always make decisions for other people and what they would like doing, I would always take the crappy things to do, not what I prefer to do. I told her I always kind of saw myself as sacrificing myself for others, believing I am doing the right thing.

This was really a cool point in such a simple thing; I see this has to change.

SO Saturday came and we all on the farm went to the mall for shopping day, we have a shopping day each month on pay day, a few of us wanted to go to a different mall, where a specific movie was showing, and other went to the regular mall,

As we ( the few that wanted to go to a different mall) got dropped off at the mall we were all kind of ‘excited’ for the movie, we all went inside and talked about what we are going to do, first we wanted to check the time of the movie when it starts, and then we wanted to go and eat and drink some coffee.
So we went to the movies as we looked at the movies we saw it was closed up permanently, we all went what the fuck, OH NO! I stood there , breathed and looked inside myself I kind of felt like time travelling, into time, and I saw what was going to be the day at the mall, we were all going to be very grumpy and board just walking around for hours as we wait for time to go by till we got picked up. I stopped, I directed the situation very quickly, I told the person closest to me call the driver, let’s go to the other mall, as she calls the driver. The driver says okay I will come back and pick you up, the driver wasn’t very far away, and we waited like 1min outside till she showed up.

I appreciated myself allot for this. In that moment when I looked at the whole day in one breath and all the consequences and effects that could take place. I could have been quiet and let someone ells decide what to do, because of the thing I have about sacrificing myself for others through letting them make the decisions, and not considering myself, as to what I would prefer for myself to experience.

I am now going to do this every time in all the small things I do. When it is necessary, till I can trust myself with this.
I also saw the point that it is in the small things that the big things will be decided. Through your own physical participation.