Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 4:51pm
Photo on face book
So I posted a photo on face book and it seems to have made a stir on my face book page, people commented, and I like the photo, it is pretty cool, then after a while I go on face book I see my brother and my mother made comments on the photo, and this created reactions within me still indicating separation and fear towards my mother and what she has to say about me and, also I felt like fuck I did something wrong, I got my mother’s attention, so this indicated I am hiding from her and do not want to stir things to get her reaction and opinion about what I am doing, also I saw that I was glad that it was a good respond I got from my mother and not a bad one. And this is all just showing me that I still hold something against my mother, I feel it is hate and a dislike, and also that she stands as a thread for me, indicating she still has power over me.
Time to forgive Gain.
Enough is enough.
This is a subject that holds me back making me feel like I do not know how to push through this without using the mind and suppressing the point, I also see a desire within me to get rid of my mother. So that I can feel more free, on a subconscious level.
The question still runs in my mind what is the point that makes me still react to my mother in fear and anxiousness, like she can anytime make me stop what I am doing.
I see it’s simple
Morality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress the subject and seeing it as not that important to do right now,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind and the systems.
I stop
Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother, accepting and allowing my mother to have control over me, as the mother matrix system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself power away to reactions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother out of the fear that she can still control me or make me crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother’s words that she speaks and writes, seeing it as a mother’s point of view and that it is always what is best for you and the right thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see my mother as the one that knows what is right for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows what is best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that truly cares for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows the truth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel that I own my mother my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as my mother’s little boy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel like I am my mother’s son that needs her in this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my mother as me being her son
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother’s judgement as valid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a kid in my mother’s eyes that knows nothing of this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother’s judgement validating what she says to exist within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still live according to the idea my mother had about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in such a way that I will not disappoint my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can fail my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to prove myself to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to prove myself to my mother to not to have to face her again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to become someone create to prove my mother wrong with in me participating in process
I do process for me as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back within myself because of my mother’s fear imprinted into me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother for giving me her fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for her fears and seeing it as stupid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother creating polarity between us and within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the past and the experiences I had with my mother, the good and the bad ones
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all the good experiences I had with my mother as nice times and that it is cool to hold on to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show morality towards my mother, from the starting point of she is my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing who I might be without my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my mother from all other beings making her special with in my mind and thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike my mother for not participating in process with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mother not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother that she is aware of process and that she is deliberately not participating
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mean towards my mother just because she is my mother and not some other being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for all the things I have said towards my mother not taking full responsibility for what I have said
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded my mother as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret never having a fun time with my parents while being in process, always trying to show a different image and fighting, justifying it as standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate my mother to not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have stimulated my mother in a way that she will be spiteful towards me and never stand up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a believe of this and made an emotion about it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create feelings towards what I am saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of myself from my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother in fear of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the eyes of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to myself
I allow myself to stop
I allow myself to breath
I am here
I appreciate myself
I stand
cool sf Gian - thanks :)
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