I do not feel like doing it right now and Self Forgiveness.

A week ago I had a cool point to write about, as I wanted to write about the point I sat down at my PC and I looked at my screen and I said to myself in my mind as back chat, “I do not feel like doing this right now”, I will do it in an hour, for now I just want to rest a bit, so I started watching an episode of something.

  (all hyperlinks on words leads to support on the info and gives insights and are really awesome, so if you are interested simply click the hyperlink and follow - thanks) 

An hour later I was tired and decided to go to bed, I told myself I will write it tomorrow after work.

It has been a week and I can not even remember what it was I wanted to write about, I now have regret, this regret isnt big, but it is till with in me, and every time I do this I can see the regret growing. 

here is a really cool intervie on what makes writing important -  The Importance of Writing.

Because it was an awesome point, I remember that, and I knew that if I wrote it and shared it I would have cleared the point for myself and I would have had clarity and authority with in the point instead of being directed by it, and a better understanding of myself and how this reality works, it goes a far way, and my blog could have helped others out there equally and supported them as I supported myself, but it did not happen. 

I sat down tonight at the PC and I said: fuck this I am doing it, enough of the regret and postponement and I know I am the one creating my experience of myself. 

It has been proven to myself over and over again that the back chat “I do not feel like doing it right now” creates time-loops and this I am sabotaging myself and all of existence as myself. 

Self forgiveness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back chat with in me “I do not feel like doing it right now” to exist with in me as self sabotage. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through the back chat “I do not feel like doing it right now” to exist with in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts and back chat exist with in me that I have accepted and allowed to decide for me what to do, instead of realizing that the back chat as my secret mind is in fact sabotaging me from changing to keep the mind consciousness in place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my secret mind as my back chat that I accepted and allowed to exist with in me to decide for me based on how I feel what I want to do and not do. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to how I feel, instead of breathing and remaining here in and as the physical, as the physical does not function on how it feels, and so I realize that if I breathe I can move as the physical as one as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and direct myself according to how I feel, thus I realize that with in this I am accepting and allowing myself to limit myself with in what I can do as my full potential as the physical. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with in talking to myself in my mind as the secret mind with in back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and make myself belief that all the reasons and all the justifications that my mind gives me for postponing to write about a point as being valid. 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write first and then relax after I have written the point out and stand clear with in myself and thus have no regret and no time-loop. 

So I have see and realize that if I have to do anything in my reality according to how I feel (either good or bad as both polarities require each-other to exist and thus both will follow up on each-other) that I will in the end only end up sabotaging myself and my world, this is common sense if you take anything in life and bring it back to this point.

For instance, will you have food and water and clothes and shelter if you had to do everything according to how you feel? No! Because no one feels like going to work but they have to, no one feels like surviving all their life’s but currently they have to, till we have an Equal Money System in place, then we can start living life instead of surviving it. 

I have now come to the point where I missed the point I wanted to write about and instead I now had to first write about this point to clear this out for myself to be able to be clear on it so I can when the point comes up life the self forgiveness and direct myself with in understanding and responsibility.

Gaining Muscles and the Physical design, My Story.

My Story with gaining Muscles and the Physical design.

I am currently 22 years old and 1.77m tall, I weigh 64kg, before joining Desteni I was 18 years old and was 1.72m tall and weighed 55kg.

Where does the Idea come from that how big your muscles are determines how strong you are, and why it is connected with looking good. 

I have been occupied with this point for most of my life, gaining muscles and looking good and having the strength that comes with size. 

It is interesting how such a point can consume people’s life’s such my own life, where I would literally have thoughts beliefs and idea about myself and the whole concept daily, comparing myself constantly and actually at times get depressed about it.

It takes so much time so much effort and it actually becomes a possession, I can confirm this with myself when I look into my past and how it all was created and why, So I will take you on a journey back in time. 

I was born into this world with nothing, no thoughts or any memory, I had no comparisons and no judgments and muscles, well it simply did not exist yet as my mind consciousness, but physically it did/does lol.

So as I grew up and I played around in the garden I would run and kick balls and climb things and jump on couches and just be a little rascal. 

Doing all of this and more activities as a Kid I wasn’t concerned about doing it according to my muscles and if my muscles can allow me to do it.

For example, what people do when they are older is, they look at something that needs to be done such as digging a hole or climbing a tree and the first thing they look at is, do I have the muscles and the fitness to do this, instead of th3e physical and what is real/actual and are you able, the size of muscles doesn’t have any relevance with in this. 

So why as a kid wasn’t this a concern at all (muscles linked to what I can do and cannot) and as A kid I simply did it without any thought, this is all between the ages of 2 to 7 years old, in this same period the limitations came in, the fears and the ideas and beliefs. 

Here is how, if I look at my own life back then ,it will give me the timeline and the playout that took place for the events that flowed out from it, is the result of who I am now over time. 

I remember at the age of 6 when family came over for a party or a birthday or simply a get together we all would have fun, my cousins would be there and they are much bigger and older than me and all the other uncles and aunts would be there. 

They used to play with me and run and make jokes and laugh and just enjoy, with in this there were moments that all the adults would sit around and just talk and say things and share thing and gossip, I would sit there as well and just listen.

As they all get out of stuff to say they tend to look at the children for entertainment as we had unlimited energy at that stage lol, 

And I remember my uncles and aunts would ask me questions, to see what a six year old would answer, they would get my answer and it would become like a game, it ends up with them asking me how strong are you Gian, and I would say I don’t know, they would then say well show us your arm muscles,  I would rip out my arm and I would pop my arm muscle for them. (obviously there was nothing but normality, even with all the activities I do) 

As they are adults they have no choice but to give me a young kid credit, they would say, wow Gian you are strong, can I feel it, and they would come to me and feel my muscle, I would then feel proud and like I have achieved something. 

So here I made the connection that to determine how strong I am I have to have big muscles, I mean the adults related it this way so it must be this way. 

 Afterwards I would not give it more thought and it would be over, it was fun but it’s over.

So as I got older and I went to school where there were more kids and lots of competition all the time, comparison becomes a part of the schooling, because there are so many kids with all kinds of different body builds and different physical expressions. 

The comparing did not happen consciously as thoughts it happened sub consciously through certain events that took place, I would for instance participate in a sport and not get a place in the game because I do not have the strength or size of the other kids, this made me feel insecure and less than and it wasn’t really because I was smaller or not as strong, it was because I simply just wasn’t as good in skill lol. It was all my own perception. 

I have a small built, in body fat and I do not have a big bone structure, It always felt like other kids just always had more body then me, and physically it was like that, they were taller, wider (broader shoulders etc) and They had more natural strength than me because of their size, I had speed and flexibility.

I judged myself a lot from the age seven on as I was only able to do athletics according to my body built.

When all the kids my age started maturing, such as getting beards and hair everywhere and their voices would break and they would actually look and seem different, I did not go through this with them all. 

When I got to high school I started doing more and more sports that I could, more athletics (I did up to 7 items every year) and I continued playing tennis and started playing hockey and I did do Rugby for one year in grade 11 for the first team and second team and I did chess but that’s not really active, I tried cricket but it was really too boring.

The main thing I did at the age of sixteen was going to gym, I went to the gym every week 5 times, I ate three good meals a day and I drank USN Muscle Grow protein shake with tablets, I was serious about gaining muscles and a lot more strength. 

I did this for two years straight with my older brother (going to the gym) my brother became twice the size he was and I only tippled in strength and body tone, every muscle in my body was visible and strong.

This wasn’t good enough for me because I have the strength but no muscles to show that I have it.

I was able to lift 26kg weights in each arm, I bench pressed 60kg and I was able to do more than 100 pushups and 200 sit ups, and I never counted any of the other exercises but it was a lot, I gained respect in the gym because people were amazed by what I can do with my tiny stick like body LOL.
And I was riding my bike a lot at least 40 Kilometers a week (from my home to the Gym and to friends houses all across town)

This was not enough for me, I wanted to look big and strong, not just be strong.

So after all this I started hating myself more and more, I wasn’t getting what others had naturally, I wanted to be like the rest, other kids would gym for three months and they would improve in such a way you can visually see it on the body size they have.

At the age of 18 2008 9th July I came to Desteni farm..

So after coming to Desteni and still being here right now, something happened, coming here broke all my patterns and the way I was living, the way I participated every day, and this changed a lot.

I stopped Gym (obviously) and i actually started relaxing, changing my pattern made it able for me to relax more, within six months I gained 8Kg, this I could not believe because I tried so hard all my life and here I get it in six months without any protein shakes and supplement and no gym. 

How is this possible, I even gained 5cm in high in this time, I then seriously started looking at myself and why this would happen so suddenly? 

Was it because of my age and I was simply growing more within that specific time period, I do not believe in coincidences. 

Check this out - How thoughts create Physical reality.

I gained muscle and height through relaxing, through stopping the comparison and all the self judgments and all the self abuse such as hate speech towards myself and obviously I stopped using all my bodies energy in thoughts/thinking (on the subject of muscles/comparison/looking good etc) and started living more here in the physical, as we all should know, thinking uses 80% of your bodies energy, all this energy now was able to go to the body and support the body because I stopped all the other crap, through changing my patterns, through self forgiveness etc, stopping these patterns and forms of self abuse can be achieved with Desteni through the SRA course that we have.

So I hope this gives one a more clear view on how we are brainwashed, If I never went into self judgment at the age of 7 about my body through events that occurred, I would not have created all the thoughts and feeling and emotions that come with it, and My body would have gotten all the energy it needs instead of my mind, and I would have grown naturally, this is what the farm exposed to me, once I stopped the patterns of thoughts feeling and emotions and the living application of this self judgment, my body grew.

The most of the other kids did not have the same as me, they were in the same school from the beginning with all the same friends, and thus acceptance was already there for them in those stages, I came from a little town far away and was placed in a new school with everyone new and everything, this was more of a challenge for me to gain acceptance and thus I allowed self judgment with in me instead of self acceptance.

I created my own limitations and everything that came with it through brainwashing myself with all the ideas and beliefs in my head through constantly repeating it to myself as judgments, I created my own insecurities and self hate.

Through the act of going to the gym I was actually telling myself I am ugly and thus I actually accepted and allowed myself as being ugly, not good enough, and that I need to become more, and thus my body remained the way I saw myself in my mind as my own judgments, to show to me what I am accepting and allowing within me and to manifest in this world.

This is “my story”, look at yourself and be self honest and forgive yourself. 

Summary:

So the size of muscles does not determine your strength (as I proved this greatly to myself by now) and the size of your body has nothing to do with what you can do (as I have proven to myself greatly by now), it is all mind created ideas and beliefs based on past experiences that now has set a limitation on you in the present through constantly holding onto it as enslavement/limitations, and looking sexy with muscles is completely irrelevant with in what matters as life. 

Check out this for more support -  Get Real, Stay Real, Be  Physical

Take into consideration, I was still at a young age and growth was still possible and still is, since males can grow till the age of 24 (or is that also only brainwashing) I will test it out and see how I grow in the next few years as I stop the mind and live here one and equal in the physical with me, no expectations!! This will create another mind fuck, accept you as your physical and change it if you are not satisfied and use your body in which way it is most practical physically and then start challenging your “weaknesses” and let go of the mind created limitations.

If you die your body becomes dust, who will you be then? One and Equal as life, or an idea, image and likeness of the mind that got deleted at death. 

If you want support with your problems that is similar, get this book - Virus Free Mind, (click to follow link) I red it and it really gives you a new way of looking at things and makes it easier for you to let go and start the process of change. 

2012 This is the Line and possession with Self forgiveness.

In my mind I have created right and wrong, good and bad, instead of what is best for all life in all ways. 

Through this judgment in my mind as what is good and what is bad I have created a line, a invisible line that only exists in my mind. 

This line has two sides, one side is good, the other side is bad, and so I have designed myself according to what is good and what is bad through using this invisible line in my mind as a reference to when I am crossing the line or when I am just right, on the right side.

This line comes from my education as a child, what I can do and not do and I accordingly judged it as right and wrong, my parents and my teachers and my fellow beings that was all around me gave me their polarities on all the things in the world and so I took it on as my own. 

Through creating this line in my mind of what is good and what is bad I have created a demon within me.

This demon is like the police officer in my head, he stands guard all the time watching this line, and the scary thing is, he isn’t just watching what I am doing, he is watching what everything and everyone else is doing, every time someone crosses the line according to my judgments of good and bad the demon talks to me in the back of my head. 

He will tell me look, someone or something has crossed the line, you were never allowed to do that, how can they, it is wrong and they must be put in place, behind the line, there where it is good and save.

Check this out (My Evil Twin) 

the demon (this is actually just me talking to myself in my head and so I have created all the back chat and entities with in my through generating energy with in me through the judgments as positive and negative and so when the points come up the energy compounds and build up and I am possessed by it) 

And do the demon will talk to me and give all reasons and justifications and opinions to me why it is crossing the line, mostly the demon will use things that he knows will get me to react, things like my own personal experiences that I had in the past and use that as reference, this will end up validating what the demon is saying about someone/thing crossing the line. 

I will get over whelmed with the energies that is worked up inside of me about someone or something crossing the line, I will end up in some moments when I am not breathing and doing self forgiveness to go into it and I will have no control, the entity as the demon will act. 

Here is a example to set it all into perspective.  

As A child I was thought through being yelled at and getting spanked to not mess with my food, so when I eat food it must all be on my plate, I must not spill the rice or the sauces or anything off the plate onto the floor, I have to sit straight and keep my elbows off the table.

This created a line for me, one example of many, I knew that if I stepped over the line than that would mean big shit and so I created good and bad, what is right and wrong with in only that one point in my life.

So now I live my life according to what I was thought and so judge myself and everything and everyone around me if they are doing it as I have to or not.

So now that I am older and grown up I have learned to see this as the only way, I have learned that this is the right way, I have learned that if you do not stay behind the line you will get punished through getting yelled at or getting smacked and afterwards you will be told why, maybe, only sometimes, mostly people will only say – DON’T MESS.. Why? I did not know.

So I would walk in the house and I would see the dogs got their food, they represent the child in me before the brainwashing and mind control was set in, I see they got bones and rice to eat, it is all nicely in a bowl, but I see the dogs take out their bones and go eat it on the floor or on the beds, My first thought is “don’t mess” I react and go to the dog and grab the bone and place it back into the bowl, I get angry that the rice is now all over the floor and want to correct them, I do not know how as it is already too late. 

I feel irritated by the dogs messing everywhere, they have crossed the line. I believe now that the dogs need to be disciplined, they need to get yelled at or smacked for doing this. 

I did not do anything and stepped away and left it as it is, I realized I had no idea what just happened, they are dogs, they do not have the morality we have and aren’t limited to it as we are, they live in innocence and have no concept of what the fuck I am reacting to, getting possessed about. 

I have now realized it is all about money, if money was never a problem, food would have never ben a problem in this world and thus it would never have been a problem for me to enjoy myself with my food that looks like messing it and I would never have and to get yelled at or smacked for it, I do understand now why it was done onto me, but I have to take self responsibility for myself to not continue the sins of the fathers. 

I apply Self forgiveness. 
for more understanding go here (writing self forgiveness)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a line with in my mind and projecting it out into my reality and through this act and behave, instead of simply living with in common sense and practicality with in what is best for all life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only act on the idea I have created about the line in my head and not to stop and question the line in my head and why I have this specific believe that the line is made to not gross or else. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a policeman in my head to check at all times when I am crossing the line or not and to keep me in check and never questioning where it comes from and if it is best for all life or simply a program running in my head to keep me limited and enslaved to the mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react and get angry and irritated with others or things when I perceive that they are crossing the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see others crossing the line that I have created in y mind because I feel insecure that I was never allowed to do it and now here they are doing it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to punish and limited others as I was punished and limited to not cross the line so that I do not have to feel insecure or left out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as bad when they are crossing the line according to where I have set the invisible line in my mind and to react and act on my judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to place others under my control of the invisible line so that I can feel in control of the line and that no one will cross it as I do not cross it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear crossing the line and to see what lies on the other side with in self honesty and what is best for all life, realizing it isn’t about what is good and what is bad but rather what is common sense and best for all life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment if I cross the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment from authorities if I dare cross the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the line in my mind and to project it onto others in my world to have a make believe control over them so I can feel better about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep the invisible line in my head as a way to keep me save and from facing my fears of conflict and realizing that there isn’t anything on the other side but me and my past experiences. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what was done onto me must be done onto others as it must have been right, why else would it have been done onto me, thus realizing that I was actually abused and if I should do this onto another as me I will only abuse them as I was.

Check out (Self Honesty here as principal living here)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do onto others as what was done onto me just so that I do not have to live alone in my own limitations, realizing that I can stand up from and with in it and change who I am through showing me the way it was created and applying self forgiveness to give back to me a new way to start with understanding this time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others from stepping over the line and that they will get punished as I did, fearing their punishment, and through this fear  try and prevent it through abusing them first with my punishment towards them believing my punishment is better than someone else’s at least, not as bad as it would have been for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my abuse towards others through making it sound nicer to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my limitations and believe through placing it on others to convince them it is real as I was convinced it was real through punishment and abuse. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being punished for something hat is seemed as wrong and not right according to the line I and society have created for ourselves as limitations with in the current limited monetary system of enslavement and control. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame and judge the monetary system for why I am not changing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the past for who I am now, realizing that I can see in the past what happened to create what is here through my acceptance and allowance and thus I have to take self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control everything in my reality according to this line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry when I see someone else cross the lien and I am not allowed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not allowed to cross the line, 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad if I cross the line. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being bad and not normal when I cross the line. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the line in my head of what is good and what is bad and the consequences it may bring.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give the line value according to past experiences that I can use to justify as being valid and real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the line as holy and must never be tested or questioned, realizing that if I question the line I can set myself free with common sense and self honesty and live that which is best for all and not in fear of a line in my head.